A very dear friend of mine just lost her father, and in reflecting on my own experiences with loss, I was reminded of this powerful poem. I haven’t been able to find any information on the poet, Terry Kettering, but I’m sure they must’ve experienced a terrible loss of their own at some point, because of their heartbreaking ability to capture the reality of grief with such depth and clarity.
There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.
There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Barbara” to you
and not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.
~ Terry Kettering
Here’s sending you all much love on this Poetry Friday. If you’re struggling or feeling a bit low, for whatever reason (and goodness knows there are so many possible reasons) here’s hoping you find some joy and comfort in poetry, as I always have.
That is a sad poem, Jane. I remember well wishing to talk but not wishing to see the expression in the eyes of my dad that talking brings. I still have the elephant, but I use him as a planter these days. I think I will grow strawberries in the elephant this month.
I have been there, am there but a little farther away now. It does help to talk about that “elephant”, and many do, but not all. Beautiful poem, Jane. I’m sorry for your friend’s loss, never easy.
So many elephants in so many rooms these days. Most elephants are gentle if we just get beyond their size.
That is so sad and so powerful! I am going to save this one! Thanks for sharing.
I’m sorry about your friend’s loss, Jane. A poem about grief that I haven’t ever forgotten is Ellen Bass’s “The Thing Is” : http://mightygirl.com/2010/11/08/the-thing-is-by-ellen-bass/
Oh, how incredibly beautiful, thank you so much for sharing.
A friend once suggested I write a generic poem that he could use at funerals. But I couldn’t write it. The poems I’ve written are always specific to people I’ve loved and lost… or they sound contrived and clichéd. But this does not.
What a sad, beautiful poem. “For if we talk about her death,/ perhaps we can talk about her life.” Thank you for sharing, and I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss. I’m glad that she has your support.
This is such an eloquent expression of sadness and grief. It is so hard to go through grief and even harder to go through it feeling so alone. I hope those who are sorrowing will find comfort with others, and even in poetry that acknowledges we are not alone.
Beautiful poem Jane, simple words sometimes are hard to get flowing–this says it all so wonderfully!
It’s so true, that’s the wonderful thing about reading, sometimes you just find a piece and stare at it in awe, wondering how the writer somehow got into your brain, because they’ve put your thoughts and feelings onto paper.
Such a sad poem…glad to know your friend has friends like you during this difficult time.
Thanks Matt, we all just muddle along the best we can!